Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
where am i from again
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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