I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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