Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
