I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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