You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
