Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
