Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
