1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
this will be a night to untag.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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