Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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