in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
