...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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