FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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