The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
