sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
