Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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