I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Welp...herpes.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
