DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
