I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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