I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
