Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
