One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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