I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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