bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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