My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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