OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
