New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
