If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
