she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When are your genitals available?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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