i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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