ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
