Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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