Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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