the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
