trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
