thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
