My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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