That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
