Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
