Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
