if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
