you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
