somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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