i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
