Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
