It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
