Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
