When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
