So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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