Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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