I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
