He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it's like heaven, but drunker
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
