Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
