you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
