I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
